i can't handle it! i feel DEPRESSED...or just like...really weird!
i told naomi this...but like i have just totally been feeling deep as hell
and like going beyond my basic problems, and thinking about everything...
like why are we REQUIRED to go to school, get an education, get a job,
have money, get married, blahblahblah...you only have ONE LIFE...why should
we waste it waiting for the weekend? i mean...i don't know about you....wait fuck that
i DO know about you...EVERY TEENAGER EVER counts down the days until
friday...which is a waste of TIME! think about it...why do we have to waste
so much damn time thinking "yes...its wendsday...only two more days
until friday..." i don't want to think like that anymore, i don't think i CAN
think like that much longer until i get fucking SUICIDAL! (k....definitly not
suicidal...haa) but if i keep doing the same thing over and over and over,
i am just going to one day CRACK and be a mess...and i dont know...
have you ever just had those days (or like WEEKS in my case..) where
you just think about things WAY over your head? and you just get this insane, intense
feeling inside your tummy? i don't know what it is...like fear or what...because
i am scared of HELL as getting older and death, and seeing my future...it's fucking
SCARY! i fear death more then spiders (and...no TRUST ME...it takes a LOT
for me to be scared of something MORE then spiders...wow i sound like such
a girl...)
seriously though...i just like went in my room today and cried for like a half an hour
because i have just been thinking about just SCARY things, and why we have to
do what we have to do! i dont know if its just me breaking down, or i am just
going crazy...but i have just been REALLY scared! i am sick of having to deal with
my grades, homework, boys, friends, my body, my hair, my sleep, trying to look
cool, money, my future, my peers as HELL, my family, food, clothes, my skin, time,
the world slowly dying...i sound like MR BRIGHT! ahh god...i have just totally turned
out to be everything i DONT WANT TO BE! i wish i were happy, i want to be
the happy person, you know? where i dont care about anything at all,
and i can be FREE OF EVERYTHING! but i CANT, i've tried and i CANT!
it's just like all this SHIT i've been through, and what so many people
expect of me...it's too hard! last summer, when i hung out with kati, my mom
just totally thought SO LITTLE OF ME..because of my choice of friends, i didnt
do anything BAD, she still just thought way less of me...and i hated it. no...
i HATED IT! i am just the opposite and its just not fucking fair! i have
NO LIFE AT ALL! i hate being this age! i mean its like i can dream, yeah,
but it's not like i can go out there and do it. you know? it's hard without
the money, the transportation, your friends behind your back (even though
i do have some friends TOTALLY feeling the same way i do...thank you SO
MUCH!) and..its just...i don't know what to do anymore...
someone please help me....for GODS SAKE! i am just not going to care
anymore...like other people can say the SHIT they want, cause i wont give a FUCK.
i am sick of everyone judging my every move...why do they care so much?
cause i COULDNT TELL YOU! yeah, morgan...you're a fucking DUMBASS...
yeah, i WEAR THE SAME PANTS MORE THEN ONCE A WEEK I DON'T FUCKING
CARE! I ONLY HAVE LIKE 3 PAIRS OF PANTS I FEEL COMFTERABLE IN....STOP
LOOKING AT MY PANTS AND CALLING ME UGLY, A BITCH, A FUCKING WHATEVER..
YOU ARENT A GOOD PERSON, DEAL WITH IT! DON'T BRING IT OUT ON ME, WHEN
YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU...BUT
WHEN YOU TRY TO SAY SOME MEAN ASS SHIT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW CLOSE
I AM TO CRYING....LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, PLEASE! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE
THING TO ME...YOU WILL GET KICKED IN THE BALLS AND YOU WON'T BE STRONG
ABOUT IT...BECAUSE I AM WAY STRONGER THEN YOU! FUCK YES...I HAVE HELD ON
TO SO MUCH SHIT FOR SO LONGER THEN YOU SO DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME EVER
I AM SICK OF HAVING SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!! i can just TELL so many people say " OH ELIZABETH, YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH, YOU ONLY CARE
ABOUT YOURSELF BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH" but its not like i WANT to complain,
it is just my way of letting things OUT...i can't hold everything inside, and i love
EVERY PERSON WHO IS READING THIS if they can do that, like..i ENVY YOU AS HELL..
i wish i didnt have to complain....but if i didnt i WOULD NOT BE ME...understand?
emma: i know there are people better then me, and i know there are people worse
then me, so i was just like what the hell...i don't care -not your exact words, but
they still made me happy :) mwah
i am goign to take a long, hot shower and try to reconnect with my life
xoxo
elizabeth
for me to be scared of something MORE then spiders...wow i sound like such
a girl...)
seriously though...i just like went in my room today and cried for like a half an hour
because i have just been thinking about just SCARY things, and why we have to
do what we have to do! i dont know if its just me breaking down, or i am just
going crazy...but i have just been REALLY scared! i am sick of having to deal with
my grades, homework, boys, friends, my body, my hair, my sleep, trying to look
cool, money, my future, my peers as HELL, my family, food, clothes, my skin, time,
the world slowly dying...i sound like MR BRIGHT! ahh god...i have just totally turned
out to be everything i DONT WANT TO BE! i wish i were happy, i want to be
the happy person, you know? where i dont care about anything at all,
and i can be FREE OF EVERYTHING! but i CANT, i've tried and i CANT!
it's just like all this SHIT i've been through, and what so many people
expect of me...it's too hard! last summer, when i hung out with kati, my mom
just totally thought SO LITTLE OF ME..because of my choice of friends, i didnt
do anything BAD, she still just thought way less of me...and i hated it. no...
i HATED IT! i am just the opposite and its just not fucking fair! i have
NO LIFE AT ALL! i hate being this age! i mean its like i can dream, yeah,
but it's not like i can go out there and do it. you know? it's hard without
the money, the transportation, your friends behind your back (even though
i do have some friends TOTALLY feeling the same way i do...thank you SO
MUCH!) and..its just...i don't know what to do anymore...
someone please help me....for GODS SAKE! i am just not going to care
anymore...like other people can say the SHIT they want, cause i wont give a FUCK.
i am sick of everyone judging my every move...why do they care so much?
cause i COULDNT TELL YOU! yeah, morgan...you're a fucking DUMBASS...
yeah, i WEAR THE SAME PANTS MORE THEN ONCE A WEEK I DON'T FUCKING
CARE! I ONLY HAVE LIKE 3 PAIRS OF PANTS I FEEL COMFTERABLE IN....STOP
LOOKING AT MY PANTS AND CALLING ME UGLY, A BITCH, A FUCKING WHATEVER..
YOU ARENT A GOOD PERSON, DEAL WITH IT! DON'T BRING IT OUT ON ME, WHEN
YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU...BUT
WHEN YOU TRY TO SAY SOME MEAN ASS SHIT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW CLOSE
I AM TO CRYING....LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, PLEASE! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE
THING TO ME...YOU WILL GET KICKED IN THE BALLS AND YOU WON'T BE STRONG
ABOUT IT...BECAUSE I AM WAY STRONGER THEN YOU! FUCK YES...I HAVE HELD ON
TO SO MUCH SHIT FOR SO LONGER THEN YOU SO DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME EVER
I AM SICK OF HAVING SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!! i can just TELL so many people say " OH ELIZABETH, YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH, YOU ONLY CARE
ABOUT YOURSELF BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH" but its not like i WANT to complain,
it is just my way of letting things OUT...i can't hold everything inside, and i love
EVERY PERSON WHO IS READING THIS if they can do that, like..i ENVY YOU AS HELL..
i wish i didnt have to complain....but if i didnt i WOULD NOT BE ME...understand?
emma: i know there are people better then me, and i know there are people worse
then me, so i was just like what the hell...i don't care -not your exact words, but
they still made me happy :) mwah
i am goign to take a long, hot shower and try to reconnect with my life
xoxo
elizabeth